Friday, November 2, 2007

crash landing

so...october was a pretty rough month. rough rotation for N (btw, so rough another resident--a MAN--gave N a gift certificate and told him he was doing a great job....that's like, so not manly, am i right? makes me think N must've been looking HORRIBLE there at the end for a GUY to notice and give him a gift? not ragging on the guy...i'm totally impressed. but it just struck me as, well, as remarkable). babies lost, legs broken, lawyers consulted. dogs put down, new ones acquired. gray hairs found. houseguest, oh goodness, i almost forgot we had a houseguest for four weeks!!! how quickly the mind pushes things out... brothers...oi, that's all i'm going to say about that. and nephews, too.

anyway... so november 1st finally came. and i was looking forward to the change in pace. N doing a new rotation, new hours, hopefully more sleep. and i think we're all going to get it. but see, when i'm landing from a rough time, i want to do it like, i don't know, something graceful. but instead, i usually "land" like those dodos in the cartoons...falling head over feet over head over feet.... of course, this is all psychic landing that i'm referring to. and i'm just not graceful in my psyche. i can be once i've landed and settled somewhere, but i do not transition well. (one of the reasons i suppose i've always felt at home working with autistic kids in my past.)

i took my dogs out last night and let them run around while i tried to get a grip on myself. cry, if that's what i needed. pray, if that's what i needed. relax...whatever. my face would get all screwed up like i was going to cry, but then i'd just feel tired. i wasn't really relaxing either, and i did pray some.

one of the thoughts i hit on that did seem to help was the realization that i'm not the things i do. see, i was pretty overwhelmed last month, so i was getting through it by focusing on doing. the house stayed somewhat kept. laundry got done. meals, for the most part, got cooked. i even beaded some. i ran. but i think life had become just a check list of what i'd done and if the list looked good, then i must be doing alright. and for some reason, last night, the thought crossed my mind that i wasn't those things. i wasn't laundry, done or undone. i wasn't a made or unmade bed, a clean or unclean bathroom. i'm not pets that are shedding and need to be groomed or a check that still needs to be mailed to the library. i'm not bills paid, money dwindling, or sil's who might or might not be pissed at me. i'm not vitamins, i'm not a treadmill, and i'm not "good" food or "bad" food, or recycled or not recycled. these are all things i try to make conscious decisions about, but they are also things that stress me out when i'm just trying to get through a really difficult time and, another thing i've learned this month, as my stress level increases, my attention span shrinks.

so it was liberating to have this thought float through my mind...just a little wisp of smoke. but i grabbed it and said it to myself out loud. and then the thought came, "well, then what am i?" oh, it's a scary time when a woman doesn't really know how to answer that. but i do know that i am a spirit that has a deep commitment to myself and in those around me.

i think i am going to talk about God to my kids and put it in the context of star wars....the force being God. i guess anakin would be jesus, although jesus never really sold out to the dark side, but he did have his moment of doubt in gethsemane....i guess anakin's moment of doubt was longer. i don't know that it will be a perfect analogy, but i think as crazy as they've been most of their lives about star wars, it might give them a better context to understand what a relationship with God would be like. something a little more tangible, or a little less abstract. i'm not sure where this fits in with all that i've said up until now, but it was a thought i had last night, too.

all this to say i'm tumbling a little bit. but it's ok. we all tumble...sometimes together, other times not. but we all know what it feels like (even if our minds try quickly to push the memory out). and i have a fairly soft crash pad, once i can remember where it is. friends, family, mamas who love me and hold me up, even when i don't remember it or realize it. and i do the same, whether i remember or realize it. it is the magic of the force, uh, i mean the spirit. and it's what keeps me from flying away when i'm scared to land. so, uhm, amen....

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