Friday, November 9, 2007


god, she is an amazing being.... no, i mean god, like capital-g god. she's amazing. :)

i'm only kidding, halfway. i've talked with my kids a lot this year about how god isn't male just because the bible uses only male pronouns. that while i'm sure they feel nice about a god loving them like their father, isn't is a little more comforting to think god also loves them like their mother? the looks on their faces were answer enough and quite reassuring that they needed to hear this. i know i did when i finally heard it...

but that is not the topic i'm looking to lighten off my chest today. today (and last night) my thoughts centered on my own frustrations, tension, whatnot. then i heard from some friends after the kids went to bed and it was one of those times where i stop and remember i am not the only person on this carousel. it is a HUGE carousel and many people ride it....many people feel when it goes too fast and they, too, almost get flung. which usually makes me feel kind of silly that i was so absorbed in myself. but then i remember that if i don't hold on, i can't grab others falling off either....

see, i know we all struggle. and i've given up on trying to judge who struggles more, whose struggles are greater, who deserves the most help or comfort or slack or whatever. it's that whole cosmic balance thing that i've written about before and i really think it's bullshit. (for what it's worth, i think that's probably why our culture tends to undervalue children and their emotions..."you've got three squares, a roof over your head, you don't expect me to care that you're afraid of a monster that i don't see or believe in? go to bed..." and that kind of thinking...) but we all struggle and it's hard and we all need some help. so, conversely, we should all help when we can. i mean, i realize it's inevitable that we all will fall off the carousel at some point or another...but there's no reason to not work together to make the ride the best we can.

so anyway... i look at the friends i have, the people whose journeys i share, and they all struggle with something. but they also help others in the best ways they know how and are able. most of them have expressed those moments of feeling at the end of their ropes, the place of no return...and most of them eventually found more rope and, thankfully, returned.

but it is that time of year...the holidays...and as much as i love them i cannot deny the stress they get everything done so we can enjoy our time... the pressure of finding that perfect reflection of our feelings for someone (that part i like) by christmas (that is the part that makes me my eye twitch because i love a lot of people and a deadline doesn't work well for me). but thankfully, most of the people who love me back know that about me by now and are very understanding about my time-challenge.

but i digress... it's the part of the year where i tend to have the most worries about my own mental and physical health. but i also worry about some of the friends i have. and when i was younger, before my own life required so much of my own involvement (yes, there was a time like that) i was the one to take people camping or on road trips or out to dinner to help them get through those know, til they found more rope or started to feel like returning. but now, i am not usually that person. and when you are so far removed, your words are, well, to quote the indigo girls, a little more like paper tigers. they are not so powerful. so i have had moments of tears... tears like when little ones cry because they just can't figure out how to tie their shoes....or open the nutella. but then you show them, and the tears evaporate as they begin focusing on conquering that thing that just frustrated them so completely thirty seconds before and using those skills you just taught them. kids are so good at that....letting go of that frustration and focusing their energy and attention on the solution. because they remain focused on solving the problem and not their frustration at not knowing all the answers all the time. (yeah, yeah, i know they lose this...or it gets taken from them whatever...) [this is a really crappy paragraph i am too tired to edit into making sense or not sounding so, well, crappy...maybe later?]

anyway, i had one of those moments last night. i felt overwhelmed because i was holding on tight as i could, but then also realized others were slipping, too. and i knew i couldn't reach for them physically. but then i remembered i could pray. and not the kind of praying you do in the car, "please get this idiot out of my way or i will be later than i already am"... i don't know that god really has time for that kind of crap, although i still dish it. (i'm pretty sure a parent/child relationship analogy may be the best when it comes to our heavenly mother)

but a real, reaching down and pulling the energy into a line...clearing the mind and focusing on a purpose...laying aside my own individuality and being united in something greater...


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