putting on my shiny shoes

and a few other disjointed tangents...

when i was a kid, every time i went to an event my mom or grandmother wanted to "keep up appearances" at, i wore patent leather shoes. it was a good thing, too, because it was a cue to be on my best behavior. and looking at the reflections in those shoes that i wasn't allowed to wear any other time was amusing, so that helped with the behavior part...

anyway...i was always a person who wanted to please. it was who i was as a child and i'm sure the adults around me were glad about it. happy to help me please them...right? :) i have a son who is like that. and it worries me. because i think it's hard to be me sometimes, and i'm fairly certain, from different feedback i've received, that it's not the easiest thing in the world to be in a relationship with someone like me, either. it's nice to be pleased...people who love each other try to please each other...we are pleased when we are able to please someone...we are pleased when someone wants to please us....it gets kind of confusing and has taken me years to see that my marriage was a little out of balance. or maybe a lot....like i said....it's kind of confusing.

anyway...that wasn't even what i was going to write about. i have some mama friends coming over tonight. i at least know most of them from park days and stuff. i've vacuumed, i've put away our most offensive things...dirty underwear and compost bowl, stuff like that....i'm going to clean out amy and emily's cage in a bit and sweep the bunny room. you know...shiny shoe stuff. i don't want them to think my house always looks like this or nominate me for housekeeper of the year or anything...but i also don't want them to think i'm a total slob. (which i am sometimes, but not always...) oh, forget it...i'm confusing myself again. snort...

a few other things...

a friend of mine emailed today about a drinking problem and wanting advice from my husband. i want to ask all my blog reading mama tribe to raise her up how you like. i hadn't talked to her in awhile and i guess now i know why. but i've known her for almost two decades and am humbled by her courage in calling for help...

my three bigs are in another city, visiting their cousins....who honestly, have a very different energy in their family that makes it even harder than normal to let my children go. but i think my boys will be fine, better for the experience, and ready to come home tomorrow.

i was so surprised by and proud of my littlest when he decided he needed to come home with me instead of stay with his brothers and cousins. it's so easy in a large group to go with the flow...and not stand up for what you need. and when my sil started to pretend like she was crying because he wouldn't stay, i wasn't sure what he'd do. (yeah, i wanted to smack her a little) but he just smiled and said he'd see her sunday when we got his brothers from her. he's so freaking mature...it's like he's all the things i wish i could be...i say my ideals out loud and he believes them. he's not like that little mud-troll-person in me who's always poo-pooing my ideals and saying there's no way i can make it, be realistic...whatever that means.

my littlest inspires me.

ok, back to house work. i've even painted my nails, and i haven't done that in five years...seriously. i don't know why...i'm just done with questioning myself and have decided i'm going with myself... i think if i want people to have faith in me, i should practice the same...

peace