Thursday, May 15, 2008

let it rain

tracy chapman has a song called "let it rain".... it has been pouring here for the last couple of days. a pretty big storm blew through last night, and i went outside to feed my dogs during a lull in it. it was kind of awesome, in what annie calls a small paper sack kind of way. the trees were whooshing all around against a gray/purple cloudy sky. the wind was making a lot of noise through those trees... it made me think of spring, and storms, and new growth, and all that stuff.

that reminded me of when i moved to the houston area almost five years ago. i was pregnant with my youngest, my spouse had just left his job as a pharmacist to go to med school...i wasn't exactly nervous...more like stoned on absolute worry and really numb. and we moved our family of five, about to be six. and it rained for about four weeks solid. now, i like rain. the kids were a little worried that we had just moved to a city where it never stopped raining, but the whole "cleansing, new start" analogy carried me through...for four years, it carried me. i guess you could say i floated on it.

and now we're here. here is not bad. here is hard. maybe it's the lack of oxytocin, but i can't exactly get the stoned/numb feeling. as a matter of fact, everything feels so acutely, so sharply, so deeply, so exhaustingly.... so last night's storm was, well, a reminder. of seasons in life. of the natural process of things. and about how nature isn't always gentle...or soft...or slow moving. for the first time, i felt the fight in me relax. or at least my resistance to the fight relax.

and i was keyed up....don't get me wrong. my kids rocked the taks test and i was riding a big old roller coaster of emotions...this is fucking awesome....fuck that standardized bullshit....i can't believe they did so well....i can't believe i doubted them....or myself....i used to know this without "proof"'s been a long year....just to name a few. so the storm and the winds and the swaying and the bending and the swooshing....i guess it all just gave me some perspective on what might be natural and not unnatural and that brought a little peace. woo-hoo...that's always a welcomed gift.

then i watched a movie. and there was a song in that movie that squeezed my heart a lot... there have been a lot of storms going on in the world lately. and even though this song is about a relationship (they all were in this movie), well, love and hope are kind of universal, right?



Anonymous said...

Oh, I love that song. I've heard it before, somewhere, and it always gets me.

You write so beautifully; I'd be jealous if I didn't love you so much! ;)

LanaTron said...

Hey, mama! I like the new look of your blog!

It was good to talk tonight.