glub glub

i am tired. and life goes on. this is how it is with newborns...it's kind of coming back to me, but it's all so foggy, i guess it's just more of a vague dejavu feeling (and yes, spell check says that's spelled wrong, but i know that it's something like that, dammit). i feel like i'm living life underwater...like when you try to have a tea party at the bottom of the swimming pool, or try to say things underwater and see if the other person can understand you. my eyes burn like i've been in chlorine and often times i cannot understand what someone else is trying to say, so i just smile and nod and think "whatever." i mean really, i kept harping on having a newborn...at 35...with a teenager in the house...and a preteen. but i never even began to take into consideration the whole proximity to christmas issue. yeah...glub, baby, glub.

and i was thinking tonight how pregnancies and babies kind of stick you on a health kick whether or not you want one. how you can't drink or smoke when you're pregnant. you have to eat well...for two. and then after baby's born i mean...you can drink...but not a lot...and after nine months of being pregnant, i find it best to not tempt myself. and this baby does not do well when i eat dairy...like, she cries and grunts and is in pain. so really...no drinking, no smoking, and no dairy. i'm sitting here eating this "dairy free frozen iced dessert" which basically tastes like frozen chocolate water...mmm....but i've almost knocked out the whole pint.

really, i just needed to get those things out because they're really weighing me down...killing my buzz. i am wasted tired. and it is a lonely feeling no matter who you've got to talk to because, well, i think it just has to be. babies don't talk and so mamas have to be alone, get quiet, remember how to communicate in those other ways. when i watch her, i see her change her expressions when she sleeps. i see things that make me laugh out loud or get tears in my eyes. i watch her look like me, like her brothers, like her dad. i watch her take in her world. i can tell when she's looking at something or just zoning out, getting ready to fall asleep. i see her dance with sleep, in and around sleep. i love to watch her relax. my favorite is when she makes really passionate noises...not cries...almost like crying, but she pauses in between...to give me time to think about what she's said.

she likes the indigo girls. ask her biggest brother...he tries to play all kinds of music for her on his guitar, but the only thing that soothes her is closer to fine. her littlest big brother got to hold her standing up tonight...this was huge for him...i don't know why kids are so adamant to try the very things you ask them not to...he'd mention it every other day or so..."i can't wait until i'm big enough to hold the baby standing up"...but he did really well. one of her middle big brothers constantly refers to himself in the third person when he talks to her...i wonder sometimes if she wonders who he's talking about...even though i know she's not quite there yet...it just strikes me as funny. and her other middle big brother finally held her for the first time two nights ago, even though he's almost six years older than the littlest big brother ("he's the only brother who hasn't held her standing up...well, the only big brother who's ALLOWED to hold her standing up that is...i'm not allowed yet"). he doesn't talk to her too much...he's like me...he's afraid of rejection from the babies...afraid they'll see some character flaw we're able to hide from older, less observant folks.

life is so different. it is so much harder in some ways. it is so much richer in some ways. it's so rich, it's like walking through sticky mud...makes you slow down...wears you out...gets frustrating, throws off your groove..but you also notice more stuff. you can look at your feet and dwell on being angry that your shoes are getting fucked up. you can fret at the time that's being wasted. or you can look around and see how much greener everything is after all the rain. of course, when it rains in the winter, there's not so much green. but there is still a beauty to things being bare...everything waiting for the next spring. mostly, i'm just excited i can type sentences...well, sort of...even while i'm so tired.

now i must go figure out what i've bought each child for christmas...i can't keep things straight in my head. and i need to go finish the last of my christmas cards. and drink some water...i keep forgetting to drink the damned water. how are you supposed to make breast milk when you forget to drink fluids?...glub glub

peace

dare i be so bold...

as to say i'm back? it'd be nice...but maybe this is just another visit, i don't know. i blog all the time in my head, though. just never really have the time to sit down and type it out. there are so many other hundreds of things i haven't yet gotten to...things i'm pretty severely behind on...but here i sit. must be time, i guess.

so i had the baby. a girl, ifyoucanbelieveit. i'm having a hard time believing it myself. things i forgot about having a newborn...

it is exhausting. like, i know what exhausting means. i understand intellectually what it means when someone says they're exhausted. i've even described myself as exhausted, and i really thought i was at the time. but i don't know that i've really experienced exhaustion in its truest sense since my youngest son turned a year old. but now...oh, now...i am really getting reacquainted with exhaustion. and really, i'm being a weinie about it because my baby girl, she sleeps pretty well, nurses pretty well...shame on me for complaining. but i will add, as a disclaimer, that i'd been getting a good eight hours a night for at least four years, and this has been quite a descension, which spell check says is not a word, but i'm saying it is.

healing...i forgot what healing was like after birth.

well, i hear a sweet fragile little cry coming my way. and it makes my breasts feel as though they're going through the little roller thing at the car wash that you send the chamois through...can't think of the word for some reason. anyway...i'll try again tomorrow.

mostly, though, it's really good. my therapist said, "love always softens you." and it's true. we're all just gloppy gloopy messes around here. milk, tears, smiles, spit up, laughter, sometimes a little drool...i think she may be each of her brothers first true love...and we are all grateful.

peace

something different for a minute...

so i've had babies on the brain pretty much continuously for the past few weeks. i think this is understandable. but something else i've had on the brain that i don't think i've blogged about is having high schoolers on the brain.

my teen decided to join the high school youth group at our church this year. he really likes music and the music the youth minister plays at the teen mass has really drawn my oldest in, so he was ready to make a commitment. i have struggled for awhile with how to handle my children's religious upbringing...i know when i baptized them i promised to raise them catholic and i believe i have. but i think i've said before, my favorite quote about religion is about preaching the gospel everyday, and using words when you have to. so i have not ever made my kids go to religious education classes. my oldest went when we lived in the same town as our families because his cousins went and it was fun to do stuff with the cousins. but once we moved, they never had any interest and i never pushed.

well, this year, as my teen decided to try out the high school youth group, my two middle kids also decided they were ready to take their first communion. now, i can be a rebel and such, but i wasn't exactly ready to just let them start taking communion. so i explained that they'd have to start taking classes and learn about the sacrament before they could do it...much like taking driver's ed before learning to drive. could they learn without the class? sure. but it's just better to take the class and we can work on it at home, too. turns out the religious ed director decided as a hsing family, it would be ideal for them to join their normal religious ed classes with their peers and i could do the reconciliation/communion education at home (these two sacraments go together...kind of like washing your hands before you eat in a spiritual way). so now they all go to religious ed classes (because you know, the littlest does not like being left out of stuff these days...well, the littlest for the next few weeks, right?). it's been a big adjustment and it's added a lot to our schedule, but it's also added a lot to our family life as well as to the community that is supporting us. and that's been an awesome thing.

but this doesn't go very far in explaining why i have high schoolers on the brain, does it?

right when my son decided to join the high school group, the youth minister made an announcement during mass that the high school group was very short on adult women volunteers for small group leaders and anyone able to help out should talk to him. now, i was seven, almost eight months pregnant at the time. but i knew the youth minister because i coached his son on the robotics team i co-coached last season (oy, we all remember that, right? :) ). and i really liked the whole family. and i felt a pull to volunteer. but i did not let myself rush off and jump into something i would not be able to handle or complete. i thought about it for awhile...why i felt pulled, if and how i could make it work, etc.

i think the main reason i felt pulled to do this was because i have a high schooler in my house. and more on the way. my second born will be twelve in just over two months...and that's only a year away from the big "T", you know? so i felt like i needed to make some peace with teens...spend some more time with them and get to know them. and seriously, what better place to do that than at church? with other adults there to guide and support and pray for these kids (and ourselves, i admit...we do often add ourselves to our intentions when we pray for these kiddos...that we're able to be true instruments of peace for them). it's awkward sometimes, walking into that room of high schoolers. i can't deny, it calls to mind all my own high school angst and weirdness and shyness and anxieties. weird, huh? i've only recently really started talking to them. i just watched them for the first month. they're really quite beautiful, under all that make up and funky hair and loud, tight, "just so" clothes. even under some of their scowls. they are so sincere when you listen to them...homework really is one of their biggest concerns and it really is a challenge to get it all done and still do the things they enjoy. they are still young enough to make silly jokes and get excited about music and sports and books and let it show in such an open way. but they're also getting older...developing their convictions...taking responsibility for their futures. i think i knew all of this intellectually. but it's been a whole 'nother ball game experiencing it first hand. and it's been incredible.

so i spend a lot of time praying for these teens in my small group. we wade through discussions of difficult and sometimes awkward topics...i can tell they're wondering if i'm going to tell their parents what they say or if i am judging them by what they say. so i try to offer some of myself...enough to get the ball rolling but not so much as to overwhelm them. lol this is not always an easy balance to find. but i think sometimes we're kind of proud of the stuff we come up with as a group. well, at least i'm proud of them for what they offer and share.

so that's why i've had teens on the brain. it's been awesome to see my oldest interact with the kids in this group...and with the adults. it's been awesome just getting to spend time with and develop a true respect for these guys at this amazingly pivotal time in their lives. i don't think our culture does a great job of supporting them through this transition, but rather than sit bitching on the sidelines, i'm glad i took the chance and got in the game. i am sure i will learn a lot, and that always involves making mistakes, but why should i expect my life to be any different from theirs?

peace

winding down...

so, today is 38 weeks...can you believe i've been doing this pregnant thing for THIRTY-EIGHT weeks? i can't... i am rolling along fine...dilating a few here...effacing some there...and now my spouse is finished working his month of nights, so i'm thinking i might be able to relax some and get this thing started soon...but who knows?

so here are some belly shots...i've been promising my mama tribe. i did these last week, but, as i think you can tell by the concentration it took just to get the shots in my bathroom mirror, i am a total novice at this. (oh, and my shirt is not dirty...the kids' bathroom mirror is dirty...see? i didn't even think to clean it off before i started this...) i did a couple with my shirt down, and a couple with my shirt up. my husband swears i still don't look pregnant from behind, but whatever... :)



yeah, so by that last one, i realized i could actually look at the mirror and get a face shot in there...not that that's exactly the face i would've chosen, but i just wasn't about to try to redo these. (oh bonnie, where are you when i need you?...)

the baby's going to be a pumpkin for halloween tomorrow, so i'll get my spouse to take some pics of that, along with all the other kids, and maybe i'll get those posted before thanksgiving...hehe. actually, i've been having some pretty intense abdominal muscle pain and now have to take it easy as much as possible, so i'll probably get them posted next week since sitting at the computer does not constitute overdoing it.

ok, well, there are things to think over...and i'm sure i'll get around to those...but for today, pictures is enough.

peace out

hi

wow, long time no write, eh? i think it started with computer issues...viruses and stuff...and eventually, i just never got back into the habit of blogging. i still blog in my head often, but nothing i actually feel compelled to type out. well, there was one the other day, but i can't remember how i started it...and i'm kind of bummed about that. i'm sure it'll come back to me eventually.

i'll be 38 weeks pregnant friday. crazy, huh? i took some pics of my belly i'll upload soon...like hopefully before the baby gets here. i'm contracting lots...have been off and on since last friday or so. i had a very uncomfortable night last night, but a warm shower and reading til the cramp (that's what i'm calling it for now) worked itself out. i've taken it a lot easier today. and my spouse ends his month of nights on thursday night, so it'll be nice to have my partner here when shit like that happens...and not have to page him and wait for him to be finished helping pregnant women NOT carrying his baby...not that i'm bitter, hehe.

but what prompted me to blog was earlier tonight. my three younger sons are in cce (which no catholic i know can tell me what exactly that stands for...catholic catechism education is the most reasonable thing i've heard, but i'm not 100% on that) and cce is wednesday nights. my spouse leaves for work after i leave to take the kids, so it's just me and the teenager (his high school religious group thingie is on sunday night) for an hour or more. tonight i asked him to go with me to drop off, so he could walk the kids up and i could just sit in the car. watching my four sons walk up to the religious ed building, all grouped together, all so much taller than the last time i watched all four of them walk together, some so much more broad...it was wild...just wild. amazing. joyous and nostalgic and incredible and humbling.

and that's all i have time for because now i need to drive him to go pick up those same guys.

peace

and it starts

the blog gets neglected, the treadmill gets blown off, my house is starting to look a little, well, we'll call it less put together...that sounds kind of nice. must be in that last trimester...

it's been a rough time. lots of challenges. probably one of the biggest has been in my marriage. being pregnant with a man that i've had four children with already, but who is now an ob/gyn and loves me and wants the best for me and has all this shiny new knowledge that he is sure will help me whether or not i actually want the help and well, if i actually think i don't want the help it's probably just because i don't realize how wonderful it is so he'll argue with me in order to prove it to me and then whoops it all becomes about who is right and where did that starting place that involved love go...this has challenged both of us.

i had actually just stopped talking to him. i mean, in front of other people, we'd be civil. we're not out to make anyone uncomfortable with our shit, you know. but there wasn't much we could say to each other without getting back in the power struggle. and i still am not sure how i feel about struggling so much with him. i mean, it's my body, you know? our baby, but my body... it was a delicate line to walk, at least in my mind, between where his wants or considerations or even opinions were appropriate and where they were spilling over into space that should rightfully be occupied by my own wants, considerations, and opinions. we could both explain our side of things...but which took priority?

my the-rapist says mine does because i'm the pregnant mommy. i'm not sure if she's right about that, but she certainly gets points for being direct, concise, and, well, because she said it was me. (hey, i look for the middle ground but i have an ego who loves to be fed, too...)

i don't know. but i do know that i'm finished arguing this pregnancy. i'm tired. i have about ten and a half weeks to go and it's time for me to start working on relaxing. besides...there is a ton of stuff to be done in my house, in getting my other children to their events (it feels sneaky to call the teen one of my children...but he's not reading over my shoulder and i think it's still okay to do...), classes, practices, etc.

i did begin an art class for the high schoolers at co-op today...man...fun stuff. i was so nervous they'd be so bored and i'd feel so rejected (no, i am not normally so insecure...but i'm pregnant and they're teenagers...sometimes that many hormones don't mix well). but i think they had a lot of fun. they all drew anyway. and they all smiled when i told them they could bring cd's so we could play music to fill the quiet while they drew (and therefore they wouldn't feel compelled to fill the quiet with their voices, you know...). co-op was just a raging, raging success today. we've expanded a bit...even overfilled one of our classes and had to run two classes simultaneously for one age group. it's a little nerve-wracking to have to make sure so much of the church is cleaned up nice and tidy before leaving, but seeing all those kids, and all those mamas, and all those smiles...man...i am full up til tomorrow at least.

but then i have to go do a glucose tolerance test for three hours at the lab tomorrow...so buzzkill on that. maybe i can find some books and stuff to work on that will keep me occupied and from going crazy. i already have a date to call my sister on her way to work. so maybe not buzzkill.

ok, this is almost more than i blogged for august already. if i can keep my thoughts settled down, and i think relaxing should lead me there, then blogging shouldn't be so overwhelming and unappealing to me. and hopefully i can turn my thoughts upward a bit...

peace

busy week

started with a virus infection on my computer. guess it makes me super lucky to say i don't think i've ever had one of those...up until monday. and it was everything everyone else makes it out to be...sucky...scary...annoying. many people will share with you their ideas about the mental depravity of people who create viruses and sometimes even the punishments they feel they deserve...but mostly, i'm just damned glad there are folks out there who know how to fix this stuff. and yes, i realize they very well may be the ones who create the problems...but either way, i was a little uncomfortable with how much i depend on my computer. (not that the discomfort has stopped me from being on here, obviously....)

i also picked my nephews up on monday, took them to the rock climbing gym so they could climb and work out with my kiddos, met the mister there, and came home and ate dinner.

tuesday...my oldest turned fifteen. that was probably enough to wear a mother (pregnant at thirty-five...have i mentioned this?) out for the week alone, but it we also took pizza to our swim night with some of our friends, and then had everyone over to our house for cake and ice cream afterwards. the teens were totally cool and hung out in my son's bedroom and listened to music and talked and such...it was kind of cute and kind of weird--in a flashback omg i just threw up in mouth a little they really are growing up and i kind of remember this yep just threw up in my mouth a little again kind of way. fun times. hung out til almost one in the morning... i think it meant a lot to him and he was touched in that i'm fifteen and not going to get emotional but i'm also still a little bit of a boy and well, it was just obvious to me.

wednesday was a hang out day. it was also the day i took my computer to get it fixed. we also bought ice cream while we were out because it is just too damned hot to make it through a day without ice cream lately...and i don't even really like ice cream, but in the middle of the day, ice water just isn't cold enough sometimes. so we really took care of business on wednesday. then went to my bil and sil's for homemade hamburgers and homemade fries...good, good stuff. came back home and there were actual tears over my nephews leaving the next day. my kids have grown up with these guys...they're almost a little more like brothers than cousins if not for the vastly different parenting styles and home lives they have. but despite those differences (and believe me, those differences bring a number of challenges), these guys really have arrived at a place of love and trust and respect and joy together. it makes me both amazingly happy and incredibly sad at the same time. which i guess makes it truly authentic...

and then yesterday, i took my nephews home. that, in itself, was an adventure.

OH! i forgot to mention the part where cops were banging on our door, waking us up and shining huge flashlights in our windows at two thirty thursday morning...that was crazy. talk about disorienting. we almost called the cops on the cops. but then the cops called us to tell us they were the cops and could we come outside and talk to them?... ended up being kids running the neighborhood (no, not ours, though the thought DID cross my mind...) and the officer saw the interior lights on in both of our cars. which means someone was in there. but i'm sure once whoever opened the door saw what they looked like inside, they figured they weren't the only ones trashing cars that night and someone else had gotten there before us. they didn't even steal my spouse's cell phone (which my sister keeps saying is from 1980...but obviously turned out to be pretty handy in the anti-theft arena...) that was sitting right out in the open.

so that was my week. well, it's friday today and the mister has stayed home to get stuff done around the house. so he's got the fifteen year old at best buy (he DID run by home depot first) and i'm on the computer blogging...i think i'm beginning to understand why our house is so far behind it requires the doc to spend a day at home organizing...not that we're getting too far...well, that's what i'm starting to understand...yeah...ok...even my thoughts are getting disorganized. better get back to my closet...

peace

looking ahead

i am feeling a bit better...ok, a lot better (waiting for the cosmic murphy's law to hear that and zap me...). i've been back on the treadmill for the last two days, but going at a significantly slower pace than i was before i got sick. i don't know if i'll regain that speed or if it's lost until after baby is born...this is my first time doing this while pregnant...so we'll see.

it was kind of nice to have this forced resting period. i watched a lot of tv. talked to my kids a lot. (caught the eleven and a half year old up on a lot of sex ed talk i had lavished on first born but not shared with the others...well, actually, i think the six year old may know more about it than his two middle brothers, but this is just how it's working out here...he is so much more inquisitive...and yes lana, i did inform him that masturbation was an acceptable release of energy...bahaha...but he didn't even know what masturbation was...geez, i had really dropped the ball on that area of education...sigh) anyway...i digress...it was a good, quiet, restful time in a lot of ways. in other areas of life it was an ugly, have those talks no one wants to have and bawl a whole hell of a lot, too, time, but i don't' really feel like getting into that. because where i'm headed with this is that now i have lots to catch up on...

the house, luckily, did not tank. it is still fairly maintained....in thanks, mostly, to the birthday party we had here a week and a half ago. which is good. because there will be another birthday party here next week...yep...my oldest will be fifteen next week. i've mentioned having a newborn and a fifteen year old (who also bought an electric guitar last weekend, by the way....) at the same time, and next week is when the having a fifteen year old part happens. wow. i can't believe he's going to be fifteen. it seems so much older than fourteen, for some reason. so much closer to, GULP, eighteen...feeling a little woozy here, let me change subjects...

so i need to get my class ready for co-op this semester. i'm teaching a bigs class, and i'm preggo this semester, so i am going to try to have the whole semester mapped out...yeah, like an agenda for each class...without even knowing beforehand how this is going to flow...without even knowing if these kids are going to like the class at all...can you tell i'm a little nervous? but it's just because it's different. it'll be fine, i'm pretty sure. and i think i'm already through week five of a thirteen week semester, so i'll get it done. and i need to get my children's semester planned...i've been putting this off for awhile, there's no denying it anymore. my nephews will be coming up this next week for a few days to stay with us. i imagine i'll have some time to work while they're hanging out with my kids...but i'll also be doing a fair amount of extra cooking and cleaning and driving to assorted activities. but it will be good and i will still get this stuff done. i have given myself until the 24th to get this rolling...well, the school stuff for my kids. co-op starts on the first of september. i really am looking forward to all of this, even though i do still feel a bit overwhelmed. but i don't think i'll stop feeling overwhelmed for another, oh, maybe ten years or so...i dunno. and that's why, even though i go soooooo slooooowww, i still get on the treadmill. because it is good for me and helps me manage my stress.

:)

peace

sick

just a quick update...i have been sick since saturday night. and it sucks. started in my throat, then took over my head and face and neck, then just kind of hung out all over there for a day, now my throat is all phlegmy and hurts and i sound like a boy going through puberty. i'm also pretty tired, but i am getting some energy back today, i think. spent all of sunday in bed, though. can't remember the last time i did that.

so life goes on and there's lots everyone's going through, but it's funny how being sick can just kind of push all of that to the proverbial backburner. i mean, you've still got to deal with it in the moment, but process it too? nah. save it for a rainy day, right?

peace

so whaddya think it means...

when the kids keep coming up and hugging you, saying "i love you, mom"? do i look that crappy these days? probably. the guy who sold me educational cd-rom's two weeks ago kept looking at me this morning, when he dropped them off, like he was really worried about me....like, "what happened to you?" normally i would want to put their minds at ease, but now i just roll my eyes and feel like, "what? so now i have to help you feel better, too?" i'm thinking this may be a sign of being "spread too thin" as my father puts it. or maybe that's my stepmom who puts it that way.

today is my youngest child's (well, youngest in those that have already been born) birthday. he has been counting this down since it was 321 days away or so. seriously. i'm the one who counts the days in my head when he asks. and he is so, so excited. when i woke up this morning, he shouted "morning mom! i'm six today!!" in case i'd forgotten. (see, i told you i look like shit...i mean really, he just told me yesterday.) so today i will finish cleaning up the house some (it is so good to have a deadline for some of this stuff) and make a fruit salad and that's about it. oh, i will wrap his presents, too. he got a soccer ball, some croc knock-offs, bubble bath, and pool toys. i hope he likes that stuff. i should go get him some candy just to be sure he really likes everything...nah. have faith. and if he doesn't like it...well, don't care too much about it. (ah, cracking my cynical self up here...see? this is a danger of having a cynical, depressed priest every sunday...you begin to feel cynically justified in these cynical thoughts...ah...worse than any drug...doh, i digress...)

i had an awful morning's sleep. maybe my body's just getting a jump on this whole waking up at crazy, odd hours, but i woke up at five this morning, and due to circumstances beyond my control (having to pee, the mister snoring so.freaking.loud., the dog chasing squirrels in her sleep and scratching her nails that DESPERATELY need to be trimmed on her kennel floor, dreams, anxieties, etc) i did not fall back to sleep until eight. and then overslept the alarm i'd set for nine and got up at nine thirty. i feel so completely discombobulated...(is that a word? it is in my head, but my eyes say "i'm thinking no") disoriented. that's better. my teen mowed the backyard because i was just too tired to do it. so my front won't get mowed. but i should go put away laundry (especially all the kids underwear drying on the drying rack in my front living room...bet they'd appreciate that, eh?) and vacuum. oh, and wrap those presents!! (slapping forehead...) let me finish this coffee before i hurt myself...

peace

life, whatnot

being pregnant at thirty-five is....different. there are still lots of hormones...lots and lots of hormones. there are still aches and stretches and pains and heartburn...oh, the heartburn. but there are also teenagers...and that part of your brain that is older, has been around longer, that looks at the situation and says, "what the hell are we doing here again?" i mean, i'm looking forward to a new, warm little one in the house. i don't mind diapers. i love nursing...if my nurses will cooperate. i'm a little anxious about the night-waking...and the day-waking...and the afternoon-waking...and being able to stay awake when i drive and cook and things like that... but i know things will be fine. but it's hard to wrap my thirty-five year old brain around this...

my hormones are crazy. my anxieties, insecurities, concerns, worries...they all pop up in my dreams...in such living detail. and so powerful. they wake me up at night. and then it takes me forever to fall back to sleep. it's wearing me out and the baby isn't even here yet.

i have this sil who just had a baby in april? march? end of march/beginning of april...that's what i'm going with. anyway, she was forty when she had this baby. and let me tell you...she is kind of brutal in the way she tells me how hard it is to be pregnant when you're "older." anytime i hold my back or stretch or say i'm tired, she gives me this knowing look...it's disconcerting at best and kind of depresses me. it's like when you're pregnant for the first time, and everyone says, "oh, is this your first?" and then gives you that evil, knowing, "you are in for one hell of a shitfest" look. well, maybe they do that more when you get pregnant in your teens...almost like they wish it to be hard on you. and you know it will be, is what sucks. but (THANK GOD) it also ends up being wonderful...so wonderful that some of us forget all the sucky parts and keep having kids...even into our mid thirties.

i am still working out...trying to eat well (although for some reason, i really want frozen shrimp and frozen french fries right now...these cravings...we've already finished the pumpkin pie i made last night...shaking my head, looking to the heavens and wondering what on earth every one's thinking right now)...trying to work through my shit so this baby doesn't get stuck in clenched up muscles from the tension of unworked shit. sigh...it's a lot of shit, though. and working through it is exhausting. just ask the mister. we've had some shared shit to work through, and he honestly looks like he'd be cool with not really talking much for the rest of this week...you know, that "let's just sit here next to each other and have our thoughts to ourselves" kind of look that men get sometimes? well, i shouldn't generalize it to men. i'm pretty sure i have the same look on my face....only i'm content to sit in separate rooms, too.

we are still making progress academically. my oldest is finishing algebra I this week--FINALLY--and getting ready to start chemistry next week...and geometry, too, i guess. the three younger ones keep progressing. we'll add a little something to their schedules next week while big brother does chemistry. it's going, going, going...

peace

trucking

still trucking...thankful for friends...appreciative of family...listening to music...writing in my journal...walking on my treadmill...cleaning my house.

that about sums it up.

peace

yes, more lyrics

treadmill time is a very happy time for me. yes, i like to sweat a little. yes, i like to feel like i'm getting a little stronger, moving around, working my muscles and bones and whathaveyou. but it's also because i put on music...and i sing...oh, i sing...it's a concert in my head and i love it. it makes me feel like i can make it through anything.

yesterday was kind of a crap day. i don't know what puts a shadow on some days and not others. sometimes maybe you catch someone in a bad mood, and that bad mood just stays with you the rest of the day...you wrestle it...defend yourself from it...but essentially keep it close for some reason god only knows...but god probably wonders why the hell i hold on to it, too, to be honest. anyway...i think if i just make an effort to immerse myself in things that make me happy when i feel that shadow holding on, maybe it'll take some of the edge off. maybe not...but maybe. i realize some shit you just have to sit in until it's time to get up...if you try to get up too soon, well, you're just not done yet. but some shit...and i can tell when it's this kind of shit (because after three and a half decades, i'm becoming somewhat of an expert on shit, donchaknow)...you just don't need to carry around...and that's the kind a little light therapy can help with.

so on the treadmill today...this is the song that caught my ear and my spirit. it's another terri hendrix and i didn't even bother with you tube because it was the words that got me...

No Love in Texas
By Terri Hendrix

I can’t get no love in Texas
It’s just hot air and cactus
All work and Taxes
Red lights and traffic
You know
I can’t get no love

Wanted to be your sexy and still be naïve
Wanted to be everything and more each time you looked at me
I gotta tell you
I can’t get no love

Wanted to be your only just a little bit of company
Now it’s a white knuckled flight
Thinkin’ ‘bout fantasies
With a copy of fear of flying
Tucked between my knees

Got these vampires at my window
Scratchin’ on the screen
They wanna take me on a head trip
Leave behind a crime scene
That’s a freaky kind of love

Sometimes my soul gets junky and I feel real funky
Like a bird in a cage or a dog on a chain
And like there’s a barrel of monkey’s swingin’ through my brain

the last two stanzas are the ones that really caught me...but the last three lines are my favorite, i think. i do like the whole song, though.

ok, now i have some things to get to...upward and onward.
peace out

ohm...

i remember when my sophomore theology teacher taught the class how to spell that word...told us it had two syllables in it, too. (yep, in catholic school i learned this...he was one radical teacher, though...love to you, mr. foreman.)

i'm trying to get my zen on. i think that sentence may be part of my problem. i realize inner peace and awareness aren't really articles separate from me that i can put on...i do. but the fact that those words have gone through my head a couple of times, perhaps, points in which direction i might travel to start solving some of the problem. i know, i mean i really know, that much of life is not worth fretting over...working in my brain like some worry stone rubbed smooth. only half the stuff i worry about is more like little shards of glass that, instead of throwing OUT where they belong, i throw back down on the ground to pick up later and therefore pollute myself with this cutting stuff. i can usually project into a situation some of that "it ain't no thang" attitude...but then, on my own, in private, in that black little alley way of my head, i start chasing the tails and whipping the dead horses. oy vey...

so here are the lyrics of the song i've been singing in my head over and over today...when i take a break from the tail chasing and dead horse beating...

Bottom of a Hill
By Terri Hendrix

I live at the bottom of a hill
Where its been known to flood
I close my eyes every time it rains
I pray I never have to move my stuff
I let the grass get a little to high
So the dandelions can grow
What some call weeds I call flowers
It’s my yard to mow

Property taxes have hit the sky
It takes two paychecks
And credit cards to get by
To keep my electric bill low
I turn off the AC and open up the windows
They build the houses to close
You can hear the neighbors that’s the proof
You don’t have to be no Indiana Jones
To jump from roof to roof

I roll up that hill to get my pay
I roll back down at the end of the day
But I’m doing alright
I’m here with you tonight
I know where I am and where I stand
In this big world
I’m doing alright
Without a view of the city lights
I believe I found my soul
At the bottom of a hill

It’s the yin and yang of the business thang
Everyone sings when the register rings
Everyone cries when the money dries up
While you and I tough it out
We’ve got more wind chimes
Than we have trees
More prayers than time
To spend on our knees
I’m here for you you’re here for me
Let there be no doubt

there's not a you tube video for this song, damn them!!! ::raising my fist at you tube:: ah, i suspect if you go to terri's website, you can find a link for at least some of the song...if you're interested.

ok, off to get my kiddo from robotics and head to mass for some more good music.
peace out

yes we can, can (for jen)

jen was posting about this song today...and if her church does another concert, and ESPECIALLY if they do this song, i will definitely be there. she and i watched a movie called young at heart, and they sang this song on there...you just have to watch the movie to know what i saw...it was beautiful, though. but i wanted to post this video, because this is how i learned this song. my mother was a huge pointer sisters fan while i was growing up, and watching this made me smile. (and no, my mother was not a huge soul train fan while i was growing up, but i loved this video...)



peace

something i found

i've been listening to terri hendrix lately. so i went to find one of her songs on you tube called "life's a song." it is one of my favorites. it's on spiritual kind, which is another one of my favorites and i've posted that one here before. anyway, i found this video about life's a song that's also about a workshop terri puts on with lloyd maines called life's a song. i really liked the video and thought i'd post that here instead of just a video of her singing the song...but if you're interested, you tube has that, too.



peace

quickie

i went camping this weekend. it was so, so, soooooo much fun. like "aaahh, i needed that" kind of fun. sun, sweat, laughing, swimming, rowing, fire, communal sleep time, waking up and heading out immediately, consuming my morning caffeine in the sun, sitting still for a little while...these are things that heal, nurture, make me a better person and keep me from feeling like an alien in my life. my sister and her partner being there made it even better. it was awesome shmawesome.

so much i want to write about, but i feel so antsy in my head and in my body...maybe i should've stayed at inks lake a few days longer? i'll get to it...eventually.

peace

you have to laugh at yourself

because you'd cry your eyes out if you didn't...

(quote by emily saliers)

hmmm....so that's about all i have today, i think. i'm just going to repeat these two lines in my head over and over...

peace

vulnerable

i've been thinking about this word a lot lately...the feeling of being vulnerable. maybe it's just awareness...maybe our vulnerability doesn't change that often...we just feel it more so at different times...i don't know.

as i was walking yesterday, this song kind of made me crack open a little in my resistance to this whole vulnerability thing...

i don't want to sound completely narcissistic, but i think maybe the ghost i think of in this song is a ghost of me...not necessarily someone i used to be, but someone i used to think i was.

and then this song made me smile...

the whole "what makes me think i can start clean slated? the hardest to learn was the least complicated"...it always makes me smile. i've always had a hard time integrating the person i can't stand i am sometimes with the person i really want to be...and figuring out who i am in the middle. and somewhere in there, there are moments of incredible vulnerability...but again...i know that whatever or whoever i am, i am stronger than i believe. and however vulnerable i feel...i am incredibly resilient...and can forgive almost anyone anything...including, i've learned, even me.

peace out

ps--the weirdest spell check experience...it corrected every spelling of vulnerability, replacing it with the exact same spelling i had. i think the computers are just starting to screw with our heads...sensing weakness in the humans, they're making their psychological move...beware, folks. just sayin'. (and for further proof, it just did the same thing with psychological...weird...seriously weird...)

pss--oh, let me add this song that a friend posted the lyrics to earlier today and really made me smile...this is one of my most favorite songs...makes me smile in a place deep, deep down. it's originally a prince song, but i like matt nathanson's cover a little better...and this version is even better.

peace out for real...

don't freak out, but...

my running log ticker is getting a few miles again. i'm not running, though. i'm walking. and with a twenty week fetus inside me, that feels like plenty. i do lift three pound arm weights while i walk, too. it feels good. when i make a point to exercise regularly, i eat better and i remember to take my vitamins, and i just become a more pleasant, productive person. i've been reading all these people magazines (thanks, carol!) that a friend sent me home with after i hung out at her house for a few days. there are a lot of articles in there about high profile/celebrity moms getting their bodies back after pregnancies. normally, i would think of those things as shallow and appearance fixated. but since i actually read some of those articles, i can report that a number of them talked about the moms learning to take time to take care of themselves...how they had stopped doing that. they work out, yes. they eat better, yes. some of them even watch calories. a lot of them just stopped eating as much (my friend jen swears by this as a weight loss philosophy and my friend cristy, who has broken up with gluten, dairy, and meat is pretty much proof of it). but they all talked about not being so worried about how they looked...i mean, they all said they liked how they looked...but they mostly said they liked feeling strong again. and i guess when i don't work out, i feel weak...and that probably has something to do with why i eat like crap and don't take my vitamins or get much done. so...there you go. or there i go, i guess. and really, what better time than the present? (and, you know, with a baby depending on me and such...)

peace

life, whatnot

the bean is moving around a lot lately. it kind of weirds me out how much i can feel now, because i know the bean's only going to get bigger the second half of this pregnancy and i'm a little intimidated when i think about it... seems like since this is my fifth pregnancy, i shouldn't be so surprised by all of this, but, well, i am. i feel all thumbs... but it's a good thumby kind of feeling...lots of faith buoying me...and friends letting me know they're doing neat things like praying for me.

it was a good time this past week. we had a lot of fun hanging out with our friends we drove up to see. three mamas, ten kids, one on the way, and no dads...it was good stuff. really, really comfortable.

i just got five new books in the mail. three are about diet, fast food, the connection between health and eating. the other two are an anne lamott book and an inner/primal woman kind of thing. just covering all my bases, you know. i don't know why i haven't been updating my book list...i have read so many books this year. maybe i'll go through the pile next to my bed and put the ones i've read on there...you know, some day.

my house is coming along. not where i want it to be, but not so far behind i feel like it will never catch up.

the bunnies are all still safe. everyone seems to be fine. the one in teen's room is molting...what a freaking drag for poor teen. i think the vacuum will definitely become his good friend. the other two have peed all up and down the divider in their room (which translates to "this is my side and that's yours") and that's fine...whatever makes them happy as long as everybun's ears and eyes stay intact.

and markers...i talked a little this past week to a couple of friends about the bean's marker. i really don't think it's going to amount to anything. i don't always check on my feelings about that, so it was nice to check a little and find them pretty alright. and, i'll say, that for this week, i think the bean might be a girl...just what i'm thinking for this week and there is no promise at all that this is how i'll feel next week...but i thought i'd throw that in today.

otherwise, everything's moving along pretty steadily.
peace

out for a few days

i am heading north a couple of hours to help out a friend and hang out and have a good time, too. i am grateful to be able to help, but i am also grateful to get out of my house for a few days....i'm kind of tired of trying to muster up some motivation to get it in shape. we're making some progress, but when my spouse works nights, it is hard times at home and we're all worn out from it. hoping i can come back feeling a little renewed and less stressed out and, frankly, resentful...

quick rabbit update...mazzy, the male who has kicked every other buns ass around here, is now living in my teen's room. he's got a pretty great set up and i think he's happy, although i will say, he looks a little lost with no asses to kick. oh.well. the other two have a divider between them in the rabbit room...they were both kind of skittish when i put them together yesterday...and who wouldn't be after getting your ass kicked twice each by a vicious old man bunny? but they look pretty calm with each other today and i imagine in the next couple of weeks, they may be back to co-habitating...but i am not getting my hopes up because it's just too frustrating having your hopes dashed continuously by rabbits.

and update on the bean...my spouse got to watch the bean moving around the night before father's day. but on father's day, he actually got to feel the bean move for the first time...so cool stuff there. my second born is the only kid in the house who's felt the bean move...he's really the only one patient enough for that, too, so lucky him.

counseling yesterday was good stuff...talked a lot about my kids. i'd heard stories lately on hazing at the summer camp i love that i worked at as a teen and they really disturbed me. so i told the-rapist how sometimes i feel like i'm raising my children to be weak because i just don't find that type of stuff appropriate at all...or even funny most of the time. like last summer, when teen dropped his first f-bomb...my sil said "that's just how we love each other in our family." you know, by being assholes, i guess. and so i was asking the-rapist what she thought. and she said that she used to think teasing and such was healthy...even necessary. but that after three decades of counseling, that you never know what will end up being some one's issue on the couch when they're fifty. not that i can guess every comment or action that may end up an issue on some one's couch down the road...but why push it? i mean, when i joke around with my friends, i only do it when i know it's safe...when i know trust has been built and they will know, without a doubt, that i am, in fact, joking. and even then, i usually ask and make sure they know i was joking, if i think there is any question. why would i be any less gentle with my children? why would i presume them to have more maturity than one of my friends (who are all pretty wise and mature and stuff)? so, the-rapist left me feeling pretty comfortable in my thoughts on being gentle and whether or not it makes you weak. i mean, don't get me wrong...we tease around here...and sometimes the things that are said make my eyes almost pop out of my head. but we work pretty hard at having a trusting relationship as a family and taking time to realize when some one has been hurt and clearing up any misunderstandings. and i've learned that sometimes i am too focused on what is said, and the best thing to do is just get out and do. then every one's mouths are shut and we don't have the whole misunderstanding problem.

wow...i had a lot to say on that. i've been able to work through a lot of that with my cyber-tribe...and for that, i'm grateful, too.

peace

enough about humans

i'm all blah today...and tired of the up and down of my emotions...so i'm not talking about people today. i'm talking about bunnies...no, not the playboy type those nevada folks think of when they hear the word bunnies...i'm talking about bunny rabbits. it was incredibly sad when our fizgig died on may 27th...but his loss has also fucked up the rabbit dynamics at our house and i'm about d.o.n.e. with the whole lot of them...

fizgig was bonded to a male jersey woolie named willow. willow was ready to hop in the box with his dead partner when i put fizgig in the shoebox...he was not ready to be a single guy. so the next day, when i cleaned out and reorganized the rabbit room, i stuck all the rabbits together, threw the kids out there to referee, and watched how everyone got along. spot, who is a female rex, got along fine with everyone...which surprised me because she has always been a very dominant rabbit...kind of diva-ish, if you will...waaaay more dominant in the world of bunnies than i am in the world of people...frankly, she used to make me uncomfortable. but willow and mazzy, a male part rex, were a little feisty together. mazzy has been feisty with all rabbits for awhile now. he actually made me bleed pretty profusely once when i pushed him aside from attacking spot a few years ago...but i got him back...little fucker latched his teeth onto my thumb so hard that when i jerked my hand back, i ended up throwing him halfway across the yard. so there's some back story.

actually...a little more back story...i adopted mazzy to be a partner for spot. they are similar coloring, similar personalities, and would be so damned cute together. but once i built them a cage with a divider, they began attacking each other through the bars in the divider...even made each other bleed through one inch squares...so i said fuck it, and they've never hung out together again. until the day after fizgig died...well, there was the day i tossed him...but the two rabbits were cool together the day after fiz died.

ok...onward. i took all the cages out of the rabbit room and just put one divider in there...willow and spot on one side, mazzy on the other. everyone seemed pretty darned mellow. i'd seen a little grooming between willow and spot, which is the seal of approval, so i thought great, everybody happy.... but then i saw spot grooming mazzy through the divider bars...and i thought, huh? and the next day, the divider got opened somehow by somebun, and mazzy kicked the crap out of willow.

now, a side note. rabbits are cute and cuddly and fuzzy...yes. but they are also really damned ugly when they fight. i mean, when you are at the bottom of the food chain, there is no honor in combat. rabbits go for the eyes. and anything else they can get their very sharp teeth on. mazzy put a cut on willow's ear and took out a lot of willow's fur...but keep in mind, willow's a jersey woolie (which is a miniature angora) and has lots of fur to spare.

so, i decided to let spot and mazzy co-habitate and left willow on the other side of things, and tried to secure the divider better. but then i saw spot grooming willow through the bars. and, being as she's a rabbit and we can't really talk about how she's feeling, i'm not really sure if she just likes both males or if she's a "the grass is always greener" kind of gal or maybe she just likes starting shit, i dunno. but next thing i know, the divider's open again, and mazzy's kicking willow's ass again....this time he loses most of the fur around his eyes, gets a cut on his eye, loses a couple of big patches of fur on his body, gets some scratches...it was just ugly. soooo....

willow gets moved to my bathroom to heal at this point. and mazzy and spot get separated and screw it all for a few hours. spot and mazzy get the divider open again and happily share the rabbit room for three days...i mean seriously, there were some freaking cute moments. so i clean out the rabbit room again, reorganize again, remove all dividers, and set things up for mazzy and spot, the two bunnies i always wanted to bond but never thought would, to co-habitate.

so let me tell you how much it pissed me off this morning to go out there and find them fighting over the same corner of the room. fur everywhere...again. but they're a little more evenly matched and no one was getting their ass kicked...i am pretty sure spot could hand it to him if the old boy pushed her hard enough, though, just sayin... so now there's another divider, and the next rabbit that fights gets thrown in the backyard with the dogs.

ok, i'm just kidding about the dog part. and i was also kidding when i threatened to make stew out of one of them, for that matter. but the non-humans in this house are definitely having some issues and this human's getting tired of trying to cope.

willow, by the way, is still living in my bathroom as the teenager prepares him a spot in his bedroom. willow's just too social a guy to be left alone, and i'm afraid the fear of getting his ass kicked was just changing his personality, and not for the better, poor guy. so we'll let him hang out with the teen, who has long wanted a critter in his room, but is a little nervous about getting the one who sheds the way willow does. luckily, i have a mama friend in my cyber tribe who spins fiber, and once i get willow groomed up nicely (after he heals and all), i at least know someone who can benefit from our efforts to keep teen's room cobweb free. but that mama's a human, and i'm not talking about humans...oh, wait...i guess teen is a human too. well, shit. i guess i'll be done then because i'm talking about bunnies, not humans.

peace

keeping rolling

i actually got some stuff done last night. it felt good. but then my stupid vacuum cleaner broke, and i started feeling kind of embarrassed by how dependent i am on my vacuum cleaner. but it just makes cleaning up after a family of six so much easier... i'm hoping it's had a change of heart and will work today. here's hoping...

this is a line from a conversation i heard in my home yesterday. my oldest was talking about a wolf spider he'd seen, and my third born figured a wolf spider must be smaller than a tarantula. to explain the size difference, my teenager said, "if spiders were pokemon, a wolf spider would evolve into a tarantula." to which my third born responded, "oh, ok." and that was that. see? adults do not understand these finer nuances of comparison...i would've made it too complicated talking about actual size or something...

and we've decided to skip nationals for rock climbing this year. there were a few tears from the mom and the teen...don't think the dad shed any...but i think we're all pretty good with this decision. bouldering season starts soon and teen's coach thinks teen could probably qualify for speed and sport climbing next year, so... but it's still really hard not sending them on every opportunity they receive an invitation for. sigh... growing up is hard. no matter how old you are.

and i think that is about it. a friend of mine may come visit next week and that makes me happy. bil hung out in my entryway talking til eleven thirty last night...and given the scarcity of grown up interaction lately, that was fun, too. really tiring, but nice. i am also asking the young people in the house to help out with some of these things that just need to get taken care of...and guess what? they are pretty darned cheerful about stepping up. and for all of this and more, i am happy.

peace

resting a little

i was really, really low yesterday. i mean really. and not even high school hormonal. this was much more dignified...this emotional wreck-titude i experienced...snort. but seriously...i was so sad.

i think it's because we had a really busy weekend. i think it's because i worked my butt off volunteering at a rock climbing comp...early mornings...high temperatures...stupid men in charge that act like babies when things get stressful...lots of great, energetic kids...and some awesome speed climbs by my teenager. i...was...s.p.e.n.t. and i didn't see much of my spouse. or my good friend who came up to visit me and ended up hanging out with my two littles so that they wouldn't have to be stuck at a dirty rock gym. (the gym is not especially dirty...but i would like to mention that the ground up rubber that keeps climbers from breaking limbs when they fall three stories from the top of the wall...this rarely happens, but when i does, you know...the rubber creates a rubber dust you breathe while in the gym and makes you have black boogers when you get home, which, in case you can't imagine what that would be like, is freaking gross.)

my point is, i was really low by the end. i hadn't spent much time in the sun. had stopped taking my vitamins for almost a week because i was busy. was eating like absolute crap. and couldn't sleep much either. conditions for the perfect storm, eh?

so yesterday sucked. but there was sun today...and a lovely breeze...it was awesome. there have been vitamins. food has been purchased that has much more to offer than the fried chicken and macaroni and cheese i was so desperately craving all weekend. and after fourteen hours of sleep sunday, i woke up at a fairly decent time this morning, seven, and managed to stay in bed til my sister called me at seven forty...which made me all kinds of happy just by virtue of who she is.

so...rather than try to roll too far to fast with this bit of momentum, i am resting some. i feel the baby kick lots more these days...talk to the bean (i've been calling the baby "ribbit" in my head for some reason...prolly because the u/s at eleven weeks revealed a busy little bee swimming and swimming and swimming, just like a little frog) in my head all the time, too. oh, and we are looking into whether or not we can swing getting our teen to nationals in utah next month, since he received an invitation after his awesome speed climbs. yep...rest is good...

peace

markers

i think i've written before about crawling under enchanted rock...it's like a cave, but i don't know if it's technically a cave. i'm not a really technical person. but it gets really cramped in there and sometimes you just aren't sure you're going the way you're supposed to go or if you're making your own path that will not eventually lead you out into the light again. but people who have been through before you have put little arrows along the way to let you know where to go at certain points and that is what i look for, desperately sometimes. it's reassuring to know that you are, in fact, on the right path...or at least a path someone before you has traveled. and this image of these arrows comes back to me again and again and again...sometimes i wish there were arrows, little markers in life, to tell me yes, some one's been this way before and they felt good enough about it to leave an arrow telling the next person "this is a good way."

when i was pregnant for the third time, my ultrasound revealed a soft marker for down's syndrome in my baby. a second ultrasound revealed a second marker. down's syndrome isn't fatal...after working at camp for years, i could honestly say it would probably be on my list of the top five syndromes i'd choose for my child if i had to choose. but it was emotional. i cried. researched and found resources. it was just a little different not hearing "this is another perfect baby"...and i eventually got past it. my thirdborn did come early...at thirty-five weeks due a placental abruption...spent nine days in the nicu...and was three days old before i remembered to ask the neonatologist if he, in fact, had down's syndrome. he is now a perfect nine year old...although his brothers would probably disagree a little...and he doesn't have any problems related at all to any of those markers.

so...now i am pregnant for the fifth time. and we have another marker. it is not a huge marker. but it is a marker for a syndrome that is fatal. and (this part makes me roll my eyes and laugh and cry all at the same time) my age affects the odds of this baby having this syndrome...which are still really, really low... i believe things will be fine. other than this one marker, this baby is perfect...out of all of the other markers this syndrome can come with, this baby has none. and we got really good pictures yesterday. but i've cried...felt overwhelmed...researched and learned...and decided things are really probably going to be fine.

i went to bed last night thinking about markers. the ones i'd find under enchanted rock, the ones i've looked for since, the ones i've learned about during ultrasounds. sometimes i get angry that ultrasounds can cause such worry and concern...i am sure they are helpful to those who intend to do more testing and perhaps make different choices related to that testing...but for me, they just shake me up. but then getting my world shaken up is not always a bad thing. i admit, it is rarely what i purposely choose, but it is not necessarily bad. it can be exhausting because it can be a lot of work to put all those shaken around things back into different places...it can be especially hard to remember where the hell you've put some of those things once you've gotten it put back together...but i think i'm rambling here. but i always ramble, so what difference does it make?...

anne lamott talks about circles of light to step into...sometimes we're doing well just to find the next circle of light to step into, move forward. arlo guthrie talks about you can't have a light without a dark to put it in. and on a very basic level that i can't put into words, i understand this...way down deep...in a place i don't usually feel it when my words probably capture it better.

it feels like a quiet time. like a think in something other than words time. i often feel i can minister to my fears...quiet them by asserting some illusion of control in my life. make them disappear for awhile. and it usually works...well, a little. but now is a surrendering time. not laying over on my side and letting someone or something else take over and do the work, but a becoming a part of something bigger than just me. and maybe my fears don't need to be let go of so much as just join in the energy that propels me and not what guides me.

i've been thinking lately about how weird it can get inside my head when people compliment me on my child's behavior...or make critical remarks. how over-identifying who i am with who my children are can be a dangerous thing for me...it can be crippling when they "misbehave" as children do...but it can almost be worse when they are doing the amazing things that children also do. my children's successes are theirs. not mine. someone told me the other day what an awesome son i had, and i replied, "yes, i'm glad to know him, too," because he is not mine...he is not me...he is his own. and, i admit this makes it easier for me to learn this, he resents the hell out of me taking any ownership of his successes. (now, his failures...he's all about offering up his failures for someone else to own...) and when i was thinking about this, i thought about how i often think of babies i'm pregnant with as my baby, as an extension of me. but this baby isn't me...anymore than this baby will be me when this baby is a teenager. i am charged with loving and caring for this baby...as i am also charge with loving and caring for the children who can already walk and talk back. i am charged with offering myself, openly and honestly, in service and in guidance, to these children...accepting that i will affect and change who these people are...and allowing them to affect me equally. i will do the best i can...out of respect for myself, these children, and the guiding force that binds us all. and i have come to accept that part of that responsibility includes and necessitates getting a little shook up and finding new places for the things that are not yet where they belong.

peace

some things

i am tired. i do not sleep very well when my spouse works nights. i mean, eventually, after enough nights of night sleeping well, i will just pass the hell out. but even then, i'm usually so dead asleep i wake up with a crick in my neck or my shoulder all out of whack. i just walk around from about six o'clock on looking for that other part of me... (aww, how sweet...but seriously, it gets old)

speaking of my spouse...when he became an ob/gyn, i had no idea what this would mean for our relationships with the women in our families and lives. the information we would suddenly become privy to...the questions we'd be asked...discussions that would arise...confidences we would enter into. i would like to think that, in some ways, this will really enhance my sons' understanding of women, their ability to appreciate the depth of the experience...and not just women on the t.v. screen or women you read about or, even worse sometimes, hear about...but women they love and have been loved by...aunts, cousins...

i am starting to have periods of feeling like i just might have my head wrapped around this whole "i am pregnant and will have a baby in november" idea...for awhile i was thinking "maybe i'll have a kitten...a kitten would be nice..." (i think that meant my head wasn't so wrapped around the idea...) i have an ultrasound next week. and almost everyone i know has insisted i find out the sex. and although i am a huge people pleaser by nature, i'm really kind of leaning toward not finding out. but i am having a hard time committing to much in this vein that has taken over my life in so many ways...so the decision is probably, in all reality, still wide open at this point.

oh, and rabies vaccinations. this is a subject i could talk about forever...almost as interesting to me as the last election for some reason. it all started when my youngest was bitten in the face by a stray dog a few years back...what a fiasco. i mean, it went fairly smoothly...but emotionally, i was wrecked. i mean, sure, i was worried about my kid...reading about rabies, even though you know the dog probably did not have rabies and therefore your child really probably does not have rabies, but just reading about it, and how, you know, deadly it is...and how much the treatment sucks...was enough to do.me.in. and then i had all this guilt that this woman had to pay to quarantine her dog because i was freaking out...only she didn't have to quarantine her dog because i was freaking out, she had to do it because her dog wasn't up to date on his vaccinations...which really sucked because my dogs were up to date on theirs, but i couldn't judge her for not having her dog up to date...it's one of those goofy laws that i could totally see myself breaking either by choice based on principal against over vaccinating dogs against rabies or, you know, just because i forgot. anyway...i just find rabies discussions fascinating. but i don't think they make such great coffee table topics... and i am stuck on this because i took my dogs to the vet today. this is normally a task i dread, but by the grace of a great vet, i usually end up glad i did it. today wasn't so much like that...you know, grace-filled. the vet wasn't awful...but not my favorite either. so much not my favorite that i didn't even ask her what she thought about rabies vaccinations...nyeh.

and there...i think i have purged my brain for now. i do miss my spouse...and i don't see myself as overly dependent on him. (we've been having this discussion in my cyber-tribe about being overly-anything...and generally, it just doesn't feel like compliment...we were also having a rabies discussion, but almost all my conversations in real life these days start out with, "on my mama board we were talking about...." so maybe i should not base my blog on these threads, too.) anyway...i think i'm a pretty independent woman. but i do miss the guy i sleep with every night. and it's not just the sex. really. i mean it.

peace

simplicity and being fine

"every day is a winding road
i get a little bit closer
every day is a faded sign
i get a little bit closer to feeling fine."

--sheryl crow

"and the less i seek my source for some definitive
the closer i am to fine."

--indigo girls

i often think about these two lyrics. how similar they are. then my friend bonnie made this quote the other day...

I suppose I have a tendency to look too deep and forget that the simple things are sometimes just as important as the ones you have to dig for.

and i thought, yep...i know exactly what you mean. it seems almost universal...but there are so many words to express it. and i love all three of these quotes for starters.

these were my musings as i caught a few rays today. it's partly cloudy outside, so it wasn't all about sweating...it was a nice balance of sweating and shade.

peace

my place is of the sun...

indigo girls lyrics. and i've always identified with them. this weekend, i did something i haven't done since high school. i laid out in the sun. now, in high school, it was about achieving the tan. but this weekend, there was just something pulling me to get out there and let that sun touch my skin...let my skin soak up that warmth. it was kind of odd. so, i went and bought myself a fairly skimpy bikini (no, there will be no pics of this...thank god for privacy fences) and some oil with a low spf and laid out a sheet and soaked up some sun. my attention span allows almost a full ten minutes on each side. it felt like heaven...warm, sweaty...it smelled so good outside...and the breeze...it was healing. i can honestly say it's the quietest my head has been in a long time. i did it saturday and sunday. i didn't even tan any. but it felt really good. makes me want to get back up on the treadmill and sweat a little more. but not today. i had my nephew today...who i love dearly. maybe tomorrow. or maybe i'll just lay out a little again. it's nice to have options.

peace

r.i.p. little guy

so, one of our rabbits died today. we knew it would happen eventually. but it was our little fuzzy white one, fizgig...named after the little white fuzzy creature in that jim henson movie, the dark crystal. he came from a breeder who couldn't care for her 150 rabbits...first they were seized, but then she surrendered them. we had no idea how old he was and all the rabbits we got in that group had so many health issues from neglect. we've had him for a couple of years and for that, we're grateful. dh buried him in our backyard tonight. one thing that surprised me was my teenager's reaction. he cried and cried...big, hard sobs. he and i talked about it tonight. first, he felt guilty...and i don't blame him. this is the first time i've seen a dead bunny, but i've had to have one put down before and that sucked. and i felt guilty. something so small and helpless...seems like i should've been able to do something to save it. the other rabbit i've lost was a mama that had babies at my house...we were told she was a male. when i took her to get spayed, they lost her on the table. and i remember crying a lot over her, too. but i told my oldest that we did the best we could taking care of our little friend...and that it was okay to feel sad over losing a little part our lives. my teen did say he was kind of surprised by how strongly he felt over losing fizgig. my youngest said he wished it had been the rabbit who bites sometimes when he's hungry that would've died. ahh...the circle of life.

peace

chilling a little

on the hormone front, i mean...

when i get that way, all high school hormonal, it's kind of miserable, kind of ridiculous. i was telling someone about labor with my second born the other day...my stepmom was there for that one...and i was getting a little tired, a little fried, a little scattered, losing my focus. there were so many folks in the room and part of me, a big part of me, wanted one of them to do something to make this better. and my mom whispered in my ear, "you're the only one who can finish this." and like poof, everything came into focus, i got my energy centered in myself, and just pushed that baby boy right out. and that's kind of how i feel when i get all hormonal...like i'm waiting for someone else to make this better, fix this, smooth it out, hand me a beer, something... but then i remember that i'm the one who has to walk this journey. i don't walk it alone, but if i don't move my feet, no one else will. so i walk...

my mind is a loud place. i think, especially at my most hormonal, all.the.time. it's like the opposite of being lazy, but the same effect. it takes a lot of work for me to quiet my mind. kind of like it takes a lot of work to engage children. and when you feel lazy, and don't engage the kids, it gets really loud in the house. which is alright sometimes. it's just part of life. but maybe you start to figure out that the noise is about to drive you nutso and instead of intervening, being the adult and engaging the kids, you start yelling at the kids and making them responsible. (yeah, yeah, i know all about this pattern) well, that's how it is with my head. it gets loud in there sometimes. and like i said, when i am the most hormonal, it is like a zoo. i can't even think there's so much shit flying through there...most of it not coherent and almost all of it emotionally charged in some way but not making sense...it's kind of weird. so i have to stop being lazy and focus. i usually focus on my breathing first. and a voice in my head goes, "uh, what are we doing here? seriously? this is it? b..o...r...ing" and it's hard. but it's like when i was training for those half marathons, sometimes i just have to push through. it feels weird pushing through something as low-impact as quieting your mind and focusing on your breathing...i swear there are times i've broken a sweat on my lip with the effort. but just like when you can feel your legs getting stronger, your lungs carrying you further, i can feel when i'm getting more focus...less scattered...more centered and less fried.

so that's that. i'm staying busy. getting stuff done. laughing. schooling. cooking. (man, i've been in such a cooking/dietary slump lately...) and writing. i really missed blogging regularly. i must keep this up. now, if i could just get that treadmill back into my life....

peace

emotionally fried

not really, but i'm all high school hormonal and that's just the exaggerated phrase that comes to mind...

first of all, i am tired. i slept well last night, but after staying out late for the indigo girls concert thursday and then being up with a constantly coughing five year old friday night, i am sleepy. said five year old continued to cough all day yesterday, which was emotional in that one, i could not figure out how to settle the cough and that sort of helplessness is one i do not surrender to well at all and two, we spent the day with family which meant lots of, "oh, he sounds awful" and "geez, what's he got?" and "i don't know, are you sure it's just allergies?" and "has he seen a doctor?" and bla bla bladdy bla bla which only compounded the previously mentioned helpless feeling. last night, though, the five year old crashed the hell out on the way home and stayed asleep and quiet in his humidified room (with some benadryl and cough syrup on board). it was blissful to all who were allowed to sleep along with.

now, i'm also feeling fried because there are some issues going on with family that i could recount. (ok, i already have recounted...that lanatron...she deserves sainthood...) but i won't spend the time doing that because while there are issues that are heartbreaking and truly lend themselves to all sorts of mindfucking, the point of the whole thing is that my choices in this situation are not central and don't need to be the focus of anything but say, what i think about as i wash my hair or do the dishes. all i can do is pray and be supportive when my path crosses into this situation. and that's what i've been doing, so it shouldn't take a lot of energy to maintain a path. others in the situation may be changing tact, adn they may be getting ready to send some giant assed fucking waves slamming into everyone else, but...they may not be. and i have no control over that and need to stop worrying about it because, as far as i know, worry has not been proven to change a damned thing other than, perhaps, shortening one's life span...but i'm not sure those studies were conclusive.

remember the other day when i mentioned how tricky "so honey, how was your day?" can get... well, i was talking to a friend of mine who is a nurse practitioner in the e.r. and she said the thing that just named the heart of my feelings..."in situations like that, there is just no right answer..." yeah, what she said. i don't really like giving details of the situations that arise with my spouse's work...hippa and all. but i think it's pretty obvious that in ob/gyn, there arise many questions about mother's life vs. baby's life...quality of those lives...termination of lives...decisions that affect both...when my spouse and i discuss these issues, we often play "devil's advocate" to each other's points of view. at least this is what i think happens...it's not like we declare it or anything. i think we just feel the complexity of the issues and keep trying to shine light in the weaker parts of each other's arguments.

anyway...there are no right answers...that was as though someone had stated the most simple yet most central truth in my thoughts lately. there are no right answers in this stuff with my family. there are no right answers when it comes to hsing. we each have to find our own answers...the ones we can live with...the ones that seem the truest to us...the ones we feel benefit what we hold most dear...and these are not always easy choices...they often require a lot of strength...the kind of strength i cannot gain by lifting weights or running or whatever...they require a kind of strength i find difficult these days...the ability to quiet my mind and listen to my heart...i am eating junk food lately and filling my mind with quite a bit of junk, too...distractions, computer games, daydreams...it really does feel like high school....all these feelings, all this anxiety, no desire to act. of course, it isn't always like this, thank GOD...it is a drag when it is like this, but it's not constant. and i definitely think it is exacerbated by other factors...being tired, for example...spending lots of time with family and their issues...eating junk food...

but now that i've gotten this off my chest, i think i'll go get some stuff done. i think the-rapist calls it recharging or filling my tank or blessing myself, nurturing myself, something like that. in high school, i just slept a lot. but it's not completely high school all over again...

peace

last night was awesome

the indigo girls were amazing. i have never stood so close to the stage before. i really wish i had thought to bring my teenager...i am pretty sure he would've loved it. but as it is, i had an awesome time with my spouse, my sister, and her partner. amy and emily were just amazing...

but i have to blog about their opening act...terri hendrix. i first saw terri hendrix years ago at a show my mother and i went to one night. i thought she was great. i went out and bought her cd, willory farm. i didn't realize she was opening for the girls last night...and she was really awesome. here are some songs i heard last night that i'd never heard before that really stuck with me...


and

and due to technical difficulties, that's all i got.
peace

hey guess what?

i've been feeling the little bean bumping around in there...awwww.... but seriously, if i sit scrunched up at all, it gets kind of uncomfortable. (as the bean thinks, "well yeah, no shit...how about some room?")

my spouse and i are going to see the indigo girls tonight. this is well-timed by someone other than me...i did not foresee what a craptastic week my spouse and i would be having going into this. but i'm telling you, you just can't feel pissy when you know you're going to see the girls. so we get an auto reset...for tonight anyway.

we had our annual/semi-annual homeschool blow-out tuesday night. the one where he gets all anxious and feels the need to air his "concerns" over hsing and i get defensive and tell him his worries are not my responsibility and he tells me it's not all about me and i tell him then talk about hsing without talking about me and then it gets quiet...and i'm not sure if it's because i've made a point, struck a nerve, or we've just worn ourselves out getting to that point and have no more steam. (it usually takes at least a couple of hours...)

i get that this makes him nervous. i get that this is different from what he knows. shit...i don't recall any warm hsing mornings with my moms or dads...i was usually one of the first kids dropped off at school and one of the last picked up. no, wait, my great-grandparents and grandparents usually picked me up until i started walking home in second grade...so, uh, yeah, this is a little different for me, too. but he still refuses to learn anything about it...you know, read a book, pick up a hsing magazine, look through some curriculum catalogs, TALK TO SOME OF OUR HSING FRIENDS...(emphasized only because that is just the easiest one and why the fuck won't he do it?...) anyway...i have to say...the universe...she looks out for me...well, she looks our for us, but i'm going to talk about me for a minute because while it may not ALL be about me, at least a little of it is, and that's the part i'm going to talk about.

one of the things mr. dad was so bent about the other night was that my oldest isn't getting chemistry this coming school year. now, my oldest and i, we are not bent about this. we figure everything in its own time. but my spouse wants my oldest to have every possible opportunity in life and while i assume this does not mean i should investigate sex change operations (hey! that'd open a whole new world of possibilities, wouldn't it?) it did, to mr. dad, mean we should look into some chemistry, perhaps even resulting in mrs. mom teaching it. (i'm telling you, sometimes the shit mr. dad comes up with...it's crazy stuff, srsly...) the chemistry thing has to do with a program offered in our area (that oldest has shown NO interest in, not that that matters to mr. dad) that requires chemistry before applying...so there's that background. i don't know...mr. dad just gets worked up about the "what if's" when it comes to hsing. (and i guess i'll explain, for morbid intensity's sake that oldest has a summer birthday and actually has an extra year to play around with on these meeting requirements and age of application rules should he develop a burning desire to attend this program i am not even sure we can afford...oh yes, i had to bring that up...so there's all the background you could want and more...see how fun this shit gets in the teen years?)

anyway...yesterday, at our chess club, this uber-science-y (yes, i made that word up) mom starts talking to me about how she really wants to teach her fifteen year old son chemistry at home but that his mr. dad wants him to have a smart co-student to learn with and is my almost fifteen year old smart in science and would he like to participate should she be able to talk her husband into letting her teach it because she thinks it would really help her get her way if she found another kid who likes science for their child to work with?..........uh, let me think about this for a minute..........uh, hell yeah?

i mean, do you ever have those moments where you're looking at someone and wondering just who the hell they are and why they're asking this very thing you just fought with your spouse about for hours last night and how the hell did they know that and who are they kidding and where are the cameras and who's playing this joke because it is not funny and i just might cry because i AM hormonal these days if i haven't mentioned that already?.......

so i felt just a tiny bit smug after that. because while this arrangement with this other family may or may not work out...and i'm really okay either way...it was an awesome reminder (in my little mind) that opportunities come up and needs get met and i will not always be the only one solely responsible for meeting the needs of my kids because, whether people want to admit it or not and whether they like it or not, we are a tribe and we do influence each other and for the most part, it is a really good thing.

the end.

peace.

blah

i'm not totally blah...just kind of off and on blah....just wanted to clarify that.

i was kind of pissed at my husband. he brought home a six pack of beer a few days ago. now, i've never been one of those "i can't drink so you can't drink" kind of wives when i'm pregnant. well, i never thought i was. truth is, he's always been one of those "you can't drink so i won't drink" kind of husbands. but apparently, he doesn't feel like being that kind of husband anymore. and so now, i realize i'm kind of one of those "icdsycd" wives...are you with me on the shorthand? i'd really like to be one of those "hey, it's no big deal, drink away" kind of wives...i would. but being pregnant at thirty-five with a teen and at the end of this freaking eternal med school/residency thing...i'm just not one of those. i tried it on for a day or two and nope, it just wasn't my thing. made me feel like one of those "laugh it up fuzzball...drink you ass off...and i'll kill you while you sleep" kind of wives. well, just a little bit, but i prefer not to be one of those types of wives at all if i can possibly avoid it. and i am avoiding it. i sent the beer to my bil's house. (who had the freaking nerve to tell me, on his brother's behalf, that nine months is a long time...oh? really? i had no fucking clue....) oops...feeling a little bitter here...

so, it's not like bringing home a six pack was unforgivable. i'm really working on forgiveness. (forgivishness...forgot all about it until this very second...doh) it's more that feeling of we might be in this together, but really, it's on me. but maybe i'm just hormonal...and the truth is that as much as this bothers me at times, i just don't feel like thinking all that much about it. but i can't deny, when i see my spouse, right now, my general feeling is just sort of blah...with a hint of forgivishness.

peace

scarcity of humans

not really, but here's my story...

so my phone hasn't worked for the past three or four days. you call and it sends you immediately to some computerized voice mail that i don't know how to access. and you can't call out because there is no dial tone. as a matter of fact, all of my phones that have a light to show when the line is in use have had that light on for the last three or four days. so i called last friday to the phone company to report my phone troubles. i got a computer voice asking me to press buttons for the things that applied to me. so i played along. the questions were pretty specific with "press one for yes, two for no" prompts at the end of the question. which was fine, but i think there were times the computer said "press one for no, two for yes" which was confusing the hell out of me, but then i was trying to clean up the kitchen while i was calling and probably should've stopped to devote my full attention (what's left of it) to this task. anyway...i wasn't even sure what the computer resolved because i heard "between 8am and 7pm" but had no idea what or who was doing what between those hours or on what day they were doing them. but then the computer hung up and i guess we were finished... and the lights stayed on all weekend. and the phone never rang. and we didn't make calls on our phones. (and frankly, i kind of liked it...but that's a different post)

so, imagine our shock when we heard our phones ring this morning. my ob/gyn's office set up my next appointment. (i'll have to blog later and tell you about my first appt...and how i like her, but how it's weird going to an appointment in an academic setting and how it's a little utilitarian feeling and, well, let me hold off til i'm actually blogging about THAT...) then my spouse called to tell me when my ultrasound appt is. (i kind of get to cheat a little this pregnancy since he works there...that's kind of nice) and then the phone rang and the phone company was on the caller id. i thought, "ok, cool...they're calling to check on whether it's working now and i can tell them it is and thanks." well, no. it was my friendly computer calling back. if things still needed to be worked on, i should press 2. otherwise, thank you for calling and have a nice day.

weird.... i didn't even get to tell anyone thanks... weirder was i never really even knew if anyone even was aware of my problem or working on it...but apparently yes, and now it's fixed and the end. but it occurs to me that this is kind of how prayer works...

peace out